It Rocked My World

I remember thinking on a couple different occasions, “this guy must be the love of my life.” When we broke up, I seemed to KNOW that he was my “true love”. I thought that I would never be able to live without Tanner in my life. This event, however small in the scale of my life, has had the greatest affect on me and my chosen path.

Only three months later, I moved to Bellingham. Not far, but far enough that I was on my own. Plenty of people move away from their parents and families at age 18. I had succeeded in getting away from (and getting over) the first boy to break my heart; a hurdle I fought with myself over for quite a while.

I only knew three people. My best friend Clint, his roommate Tiffany, and the girl I was living with, Laura. It truly was a fresh start. I brand new chance to make my life into almost anything I wanted it to be. I took this beautiful opportunity and I drank myself into oblivion. Then I met Chris. Now, I had a brand new shot at life- that I was already fucking up- and a brand new relationship.

After a few weeks with Chris, I got the feeling that I actually liked him. This wasn’t just a fling like the four other guys I had dated after breaking up with Tanner. I began to feel happy. I thought that may be I didn’t have to drink to forget; I could talk about and actually resolve my worries and problems. I started to figure stuff out. I took more hours at work, and I told my roommate not to buy me anymore vodka. I forgave Tanner, and we became close friends again. I started talking to my parents more, letting them help me. Things were really going well. I was finally happy. This was something I hadn’t been able to say in nearly two years.

Friday, February 29, 2008- a day that only exists once every four years. And it was on that “fake” day that I woke up to a screaming and crying best friend. Clint didn’t want to, couldn’t, tell me over the phone. He said I had to come get him. I got off the phone and got out of bed. I calmly told Chris I would be back in a little while; that Clint was having some dramatic, life-altering moment again and I had to go hold him while he cried.

It wasn’t as simple as that. It’s a funny thing when it happens to someone you know. I think especially someone that you know really well- someone that you love. It seems surreal. Almost like it’s not actually happening. Tears form in your eyes, but you don’t understand why until much later. You forget what time it is, what day, where you are, and even standard traffic rules. You can’t think of anything but, “why?” I wondered why anyone would hurt him, Tanner. The most caring, gentlest person, stabbed to death in his own home.

I don’t remember much from the next few weeks except the reoccurring thought that I would never see him again. Wondering who would do this, and why him, why Tanner? The first of my close friends to die, and he was brutally murdered? It couldn’t be real, it just couldn’t be.

But it was real. I went home to go to the funeral. I saw him, touched him. His skin cold, pale, firm. Cuts on his head were covered by a bandana. Cuts on his hands were just out there to see, at least he defended himself. He wasn’t moving. He wasn’t going to smile at me. It was over for him.

I went home, Chris comforted me. Once again, I thought I would never be happy. A string of other friends died after that. A couple in drunken driving accidents, one jumped off a bridge. Those people didn’t fare so well. But somehow, I came out of all of this okay.

I dream of Tanner sometimes, and it makes me happy now. I understand that life is not infinite and it should be treasured. You should do what you need to do to be content- no matter what. It can really be over at any minute, and you never know.